I’m realising, there’s so many things I just don’t know, and don’t think about. I’m sad because it hurts the one I love most. The hardest thing is that I don’t even know where to start learning, or who can teach me. I can’t even think of anyone I trust to teach me.
Most of it is to do with living wisely, intentionally and purposely.
I’ll start with wisdom. I guess I don’t have much of it at all. I know one place I can go, ‘The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge’. I know one place I can’t go, ‘Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching’.
The second part is living intentionally and purposefully. I can’t keep going from day to day, moment to moment without goals, and intent. I mean sure, I can give you reasons for why I do everything I do, but they’re often considered afterwards, not before. I’m realising that there are more important, more lasting things I need to aim towards. I need to be a good steward of the time, energy and resources God has gifted me with. I need to plan at the start of each day.
It’s so hard to do, being so tired all the time. But I’m coming to the sad realisation that if I want to do the things in my life well, they need to be few rather than many. I need to be responsible for prioritising, for resting and for putting my energy into what God calls me to do, rather than following my every whim, or everything people ask me to do. I think it’s mostly focusing on the important things and not drifting around, getting sidetracked.
These are all pretty basic things, I’m amazed I have to reflect and teach myself all this. But actually … not so surprising, I guess it’s next to impossible to live wisely in a foolish world on my own.